where am i now?

I've been told that time will heal. I was told that 3.5 years ago. I was told that I needed to go out and date to help it along. I was told that by burying myself in "to do's" it would help me forget. None of that has happened.

I'm as depressed and suicidal as I was back then. The only thing keeping me from using the one hollow point with my name scratched into it is my two kids. I don't want them to grow up hating me, hating life because I took mine, nor struggling because their mom won't do what she should.

I wish I could leave. I'm tired of putting on a face that is acceptable to everyone else so that THEY can be comfortable. I think it was Bob Marley's lyrics that said "I've never known happiness, never known a sweet caress, I'll always be laughing like a clown because I have to pick MYSELF up off the ground". I play the clown and make people laugh so that they don't see how badly I hate myself. I re direct their attention to funny stories and irrelevant shit so that they don't notice my sadness. The days I don't, they all catch a glimpse and ask me what is wrong.

I wish I could go out in a way that would save my name from ridicule, like suicide would. I don't want to be "that guy" because then my children and parents would be branded.

I gave my daughter a father's blessing today. The first since I blessed her as a baby when I named her. I was completely unworthy of my Father listening to me. I hope he listened to my plea for my daughter's sake.

I'm lost. I have sat down in the forest and don't want to find my way out. I have given in to the cold on the mountain side and hope for a quick end to my life while falling asleep. I don't know why I don't care anymore. I don't know why I don't just do what I want and end it all. I'm more lost now than I was at the beginning when at least I would load my gun and place it in my mouth or to my head and try and talk myself into squeezing the trigger.

Where am I now?