I need to disappear. I'm tired of all this shit. The other day I was crying and my neighbor pulled up. Nice guy, but he needs to fucking not ALWAYS stop when driving by. I tried to wipe away the tears, but didn't get them in time and he was obvious about it. I got embarrassed.
I'm sick of life. I'm sick of being tested. I'm sick of caring. I'm sick of trying to make the puzzle work all the time. I'm sick of being a pawn in some twisted game. I know the purpose of being here, but when you know you won't win, why keep playing? I was born to fail. It was pre ordained.
I want to sleep.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
where am i now?
I've been told that time will heal. I was told that 3.5 years ago. I was told that I needed to go out and date to help it along. I was told that by burying myself in "to do's" it would help me forget. None of that has happened.
I'm as depressed and suicidal as I was back then. The only thing keeping me from using the one hollow point with my name scratched into it is my two kids. I don't want them to grow up hating me, hating life because I took mine, nor struggling because their mom won't do what she should.
I wish I could leave. I'm tired of putting on a face that is acceptable to everyone else so that THEY can be comfortable. I think it was Bob Marley's lyrics that said "I've never known happiness, never known a sweet caress, I'll always be laughing like a clown because I have to pick MYSELF up off the ground". I play the clown and make people laugh so that they don't see how badly I hate myself. I re direct their attention to funny stories and irrelevant shit so that they don't notice my sadness. The days I don't, they all catch a glimpse and ask me what is wrong.
I wish I could go out in a way that would save my name from ridicule, like suicide would. I don't want to be "that guy" because then my children and parents would be branded.
I gave my daughter a father's blessing today. The first since I blessed her as a baby when I named her. I was completely unworthy of my Father listening to me. I hope he listened to my plea for my daughter's sake.
I'm lost. I have sat down in the forest and don't want to find my way out. I have given in to the cold on the mountain side and hope for a quick end to my life while falling asleep. I don't know why I don't care anymore. I don't know why I don't just do what I want and end it all. I'm more lost now than I was at the beginning when at least I would load my gun and place it in my mouth or to my head and try and talk myself into squeezing the trigger.
Where am I now?
I'm as depressed and suicidal as I was back then. The only thing keeping me from using the one hollow point with my name scratched into it is my two kids. I don't want them to grow up hating me, hating life because I took mine, nor struggling because their mom won't do what she should.
I wish I could leave. I'm tired of putting on a face that is acceptable to everyone else so that THEY can be comfortable. I think it was Bob Marley's lyrics that said "I've never known happiness, never known a sweet caress, I'll always be laughing like a clown because I have to pick MYSELF up off the ground". I play the clown and make people laugh so that they don't see how badly I hate myself. I re direct their attention to funny stories and irrelevant shit so that they don't notice my sadness. The days I don't, they all catch a glimpse and ask me what is wrong.
I wish I could go out in a way that would save my name from ridicule, like suicide would. I don't want to be "that guy" because then my children and parents would be branded.
I gave my daughter a father's blessing today. The first since I blessed her as a baby when I named her. I was completely unworthy of my Father listening to me. I hope he listened to my plea for my daughter's sake.
I'm lost. I have sat down in the forest and don't want to find my way out. I have given in to the cold on the mountain side and hope for a quick end to my life while falling asleep. I don't know why I don't care anymore. I don't know why I don't just do what I want and end it all. I'm more lost now than I was at the beginning when at least I would load my gun and place it in my mouth or to my head and try and talk myself into squeezing the trigger.
Where am I now?
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