Anna Marie Ratcliffe

She claimed I was never there for her when she needed me. 

I was ALWAYS there for her. 

She led me on for 2.5 years. 

She lied about wanting to date me.

She wouldn’t go to HR with me. 

She lied about her phone issues. 

She used me to get her husband mad. 

She would only come around after drinking alcohol. 

She was always out and hitting on guys when she was supposedly wanting me. 

She’s a cheater. 

Once a cheater always a cheater.

She’s a master manipulator. 

I’ll never understand why she chose me to treat like shit. 
One day I’ll tell people the truth about her. But not until we are no longer coworkers. 
I resent and hate her. 
Annastacia Cowley Ratcliffe 

still a loser

Its been so long since I wrote.  I just went to my doctor and got put on anti depressants.  I feel hopeless.  I don't know how to fix it, change it or feel the slightest bit of relief.

What am I doing.  Where do I go from here and how.  I only have my two youngest in my life. 

I'm worthless to everyone else.  I'm not the person they would rather be with.  They all fuck with me and take me on an emotional rollercoaster.  I hate it all.

I want to move away and be alone.  I hurt alot in my heart.  My church has abandoned me.  Anna threw me to the garbage.  My chief threatened my job. 

I'm trying to just keep moving forward.  One day at a time.  I hope I will escape this fog that surrounds me.

still alive. physically.

I have no clue what to do. People move on, I don't. People forget and expect others to as well, I don't. I sit and dwell on what I've done, am doing, will do, and what they have done, are doing, will do......
How do I get to not care? Why haven't I been able to get there yet? My ex and one of her guy's moved in together this last weekend. She said she would never be with someone again. I said the same thing. She obviously fully intended to try again, which is why she cheated on me. I get sick any time I feel like I might want to give it another go.
I've had women, married women, want to be with me. They are unhappy in their marriage and want to slut around. That is what I am now listed as. THE GUY to fuck when you want to cheat on your husband. I haven't done it yet. I don't want to be THAT GUY.
What do I do. How do I get to where I might find peace. I'm not finding any direction. I try to pray. Doesn't work. I try to be the best Daddy I can to my two little ones. Doesn't work. I'm an asshole. That works just fine.
I want to be a dad like the other guys. an uncaring piece of shit that ignores responsibility and could care less about the result it has on everyone.
THAT might make my life easier. How do I become numb enough to become that way.

BREATHE

i wish i had the strength to shoot myself right now, in my patrol car.

struggling....

I need to disappear. I'm tired of all this shit. The other day I was crying and my neighbor pulled up. Nice guy, but he needs to fucking not ALWAYS stop when driving by. I tried to wipe away the tears, but didn't get them in time and he was obvious about it. I got embarrassed.

I'm sick of life. I'm sick of being tested. I'm sick of caring. I'm sick of trying to make the puzzle work all the time. I'm sick of being a pawn in some twisted game. I know the purpose of being here, but when you know you won't win, why keep playing? I was born to fail. It was pre ordained.

I want to sleep.

where am i now?

I've been told that time will heal. I was told that 3.5 years ago. I was told that I needed to go out and date to help it along. I was told that by burying myself in "to do's" it would help me forget. None of that has happened.

I'm as depressed and suicidal as I was back then. The only thing keeping me from using the one hollow point with my name scratched into it is my two kids. I don't want them to grow up hating me, hating life because I took mine, nor struggling because their mom won't do what she should.

I wish I could leave. I'm tired of putting on a face that is acceptable to everyone else so that THEY can be comfortable. I think it was Bob Marley's lyrics that said "I've never known happiness, never known a sweet caress, I'll always be laughing like a clown because I have to pick MYSELF up off the ground". I play the clown and make people laugh so that they don't see how badly I hate myself. I re direct their attention to funny stories and irrelevant shit so that they don't notice my sadness. The days I don't, they all catch a glimpse and ask me what is wrong.

I wish I could go out in a way that would save my name from ridicule, like suicide would. I don't want to be "that guy" because then my children and parents would be branded.

I gave my daughter a father's blessing today. The first since I blessed her as a baby when I named her. I was completely unworthy of my Father listening to me. I hope he listened to my plea for my daughter's sake.

I'm lost. I have sat down in the forest and don't want to find my way out. I have given in to the cold on the mountain side and hope for a quick end to my life while falling asleep. I don't know why I don't care anymore. I don't know why I don't just do what I want and end it all. I'm more lost now than I was at the beginning when at least I would load my gun and place it in my mouth or to my head and try and talk myself into squeezing the trigger.

Where am I now?

an ongoing battle...

ok, well... I met with a counselor last Wednesday, and Howard thinks I should have an ongoing blog to flush out all my feelings.
I was going through my pictures this week and found that I still have a lot of pictures of Cindie. They consisted of her and I with the kids as they were born. I looked at what I thought a loving family was supposed to look like. I saw how happy we appeared to be and realized that it was all a farce. This whole idea of love and a family was never something that she intended to maintain. I was a moment in her life, a speed bump that she had to traverse to get something that I will never comprehend. I found a love letter she wrote to me where she claimed that I was her one and only. that she never wanted anyone else. She even had the audacity to write that she missed me while I worked so much. Little did I know that while I was working so much, she was already flirting and coming onto my co workers.
what the fuck was your problem Cindie? i guess i was too boring for you. brady was so much better looking, so much more physically fit than I am. while i busted my ass to give you everything you wanted, you went to him and told him that you wanted to taste him. you fucking cunt. you are the reason i don't trust women anymore. i look at women, and all i see is that they will use me, so i might as well use them. i hate you all. you all want to be saved by some fucking idea of a man. the perfect fucking guy. well fuck all of you. you arent fucking perfect, and neither am I. but the biggest difference is that i was straightforward with you. i told you about all my short comings. what my issues were. you hid yours. fucking bitch. you drained me completely. now what do i do? how do i start trusting again. i want to. but there are days that i say fuck it. and don't feel like trying.
how is barney you cunt?
how is mike ike you bitch?
i know you wanted to fuck that one trainee i had. that is why you were hanging out with him. i cant even remember his fucking name. he became a c.o. for a bit. he was married and cheated on his wife. durrant. what a fuckup. and you wanted him too. you fucking whore.
i dont know what to do any more. there are days that all i want to do is kill myself. i have the bullet with my name scratched into it. its in my jewelry box. maybe one day i'll have the balls to do it.
Right now, racer is the only reason i don't do it.
if i didnt have him, i would have already done it. i hate the bills, the separation of children every week, the thought that my partners are un trustworthy. The thought that i have to deal with you for the rest of my life.
i hate it all. i wish i had the balls to end it. Racer is the only thing that keeps me here. i live a life that is false. i put on a face that everyone expects me to have. I act like they expect me to act. if they only knew the coward that i am. if they only knew that i want to kill myself, then they would take my job. where would that leave me?
i have nothing. literally. one day my children will leave me. i know that you will remarry, and then you will try and take the kids, or turn them against me. then they will leave me. I will have my job, and nothing else. then what do i do?
suck start my gun. the only interesting part is if it will be my nine, my forty, or my shotty. the for sure winner is the shot gun. a slug will remove my head. i know it can be done, and i know how to do it. the only question is if i get the balls, and when will that be.
i hurt so bad inside. i hurt all the time. i don't know how to make it stop. i don't see the light anymore. all i see is the abyss. i feel it calling me. and i'm not finding a reason to avoid it anymore. I know my Father in heaven is disappointed in me. and i can't stop the momentum of my travel. it is a mental game. and i don't know how to stop it.
Thank you Racer. thank you for being in my life. without you i would have nothing.
Renee. why do you like me. i am a complete loser. i have achieved nothing in this life. nothing. i have nothing to offer. i am fat. i am ugly. i make no money. i have shitty morals. i have given up on life. i can't keep a partner. they leave me once they figure out what a loser i am. why would anyone want to be with someone like me. i hate myself. i hate what i am. i hate that i have no ambition to get better. i want to get better, but no desire to push for it. why should i? i will only fail again.
i wish i would just end it.