still alive. physically.

I have no clue what to do. People move on, I don't. People forget and expect others to as well, I don't. I sit and dwell on what I've done, am doing, will do, and what they have done, are doing, will do......
How do I get to not care? Why haven't I been able to get there yet? My ex and one of her guy's moved in together this last weekend. She said she would never be with someone again. I said the same thing. She obviously fully intended to try again, which is why she cheated on me. I get sick any time I feel like I might want to give it another go.
I've had women, married women, want to be with me. They are unhappy in their marriage and want to slut around. That is what I am now listed as. THE GUY to fuck when you want to cheat on your husband. I haven't done it yet. I don't want to be THAT GUY.
What do I do. How do I get to where I might find peace. I'm not finding any direction. I try to pray. Doesn't work. I try to be the best Daddy I can to my two little ones. Doesn't work. I'm an asshole. That works just fine.
I want to be a dad like the other guys. an uncaring piece of shit that ignores responsibility and could care less about the result it has on everyone.
THAT might make my life easier. How do I become numb enough to become that way.